Health, Vitality and Clothes

October 4, 2017October 4, 20178 Comments

IT’S BEEN AWHILE, HASN’T IT?

I wish I could come up with some good reason why I haven’t updated this space in 2 months. It’s probably a combination of not feeling like writing unless it’s in the moment (which ends up on my insta), being a bit bored of blogging and going through a pretty rough bout of depression. Since going through my last depression, I’m trying to make a real effort to become aware of the signs while I’m well, and looking for ways to cope more appropriately (is there an appropriate way to cope?) so that if and when it comes back, I may not lose myself so badly. I didn’t realize how bad it really was until I came out of it. I’m a high functioning depressive, in that I’m still able to get out of bed, work, live, but my personal life and self-care always goes to shit. I wrote this on my insta, and I feel like it sums up alot of what I went through and how I processed my experience after:

“From what I can estimate, for the last month (edit: since writing this and having more time to recall, I was experiencing depression far longer than this) I had the veil of depression cloaked over me. Looking back now it’s so easy to see how delusional I was. During it, however, the delusion was my reality. I think I lost 5-10lbs from eating a disturbingly small amount. I spent whole days in bed counting the hours till I could go back to sleep. I became paranoid and anxious. I pushed people away. I started to believe everything was falling apart because my mind was falling apart. My brain felt like it was slowly killing me, and in a way, it was. Delusion is the hardest part to overcome when going through a depressive episode. No matter how many times a healthy minded person tells you you are loved and should feel hopeful, your sick brain tells you they don’t know anything. I am grateful to be on the other side right now, but that gratefulness only exists because of how sick I was. It’s a double edged sword. Andrew Solomon once said, “the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality”, and nothing has felt more accurate to me. Happiness doesn’t make you prosper, will does. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” and depression sucks that will, that vitality, into oblivion so there is no way. I have spent the last 15 years battling depression. That number, I imagine, would have you believe I have any idea what I’m doing, that I should be an expert at this point. But each time I fall into a depressive episode I feel like a child trying to figure out my new experience. The one thing that my struggle has consistently reminded me is that I need to speak about it. I need for others to know they are not alone. That maybe they can see themselves in my words. The truth is, knowing you are unique but not entirely unique in emotional experience can be of great comfort. There is no one else like you. No one else has your experience. But, experience can be shared. It can open doors so that we may see ourselves in someone else. So that while we may be trapped inside our respective bodies and minds, there is a connection that spans us all, because seeing others is seeing yourself.”

So there it is, slowly but surely trying to work myself back to health and vitality.

One thing that never wavered was my love for clothes and styling, obviously. My favourite season is here now and it’s helping me to feel more like myself. Blazers have taken over my wardrobe in a big way. I’ve brought 5 new-to me ones into my life over the last month (over-kill much?). As cliché as it sounds, they give me a sense of strength, which has been helpful while not actually feeling that way. Outfits like this are kind of my go-to when I’m unsure of what to wear or how I’m feeling about myself. I always know I will feel good in a pair of high waisted mom jeans, button down blouse and simple yet interesting (I wish I had a better word) accessories.

What are those clothes for you?

WHAT I WORE

OKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and Clothes

Is It Crushing Us All?

February 28, 2017March 14, 201716 Comments

Or is it just me?

Hi guys!!! Long time no talk or post or whatever. I am still alive and well. I feel slightly out of practise with this blog…like what do I even write about anymore? That’s probably the reason I haven’t been posting as much…I just don’t have much to say, and if I do, I post it in real time on Instagram. Are blogs dying? What do you guys think? Do we like YouTube more? Is Instagram just more accessible and the speed at which we take in information? Are we just too busy to sit down and read, or really write something? How can I be a blogger when I don’t even take the time to read blogs anymore? These are questions I wonder…stupid questions, really, because in the grand scheme of the world, they don’t even matter. But, in the grand scheme of my life, I am deeply a part of this world. I am supposed to care about what is new or what social medium is the best. I am supposed to be battling my way to the top, to have the most followers and the most success. And honestly, I do care and I do battle, but then I also dislike myself for caring too much and battling too much. Social media seems like it is crushing us all, and we all feel it, but we don’t really try wriggle our way out, and we struggle to see how it truly benefits our lives, but we also love it because it validates a lot of us and it gives us purpose and it influences us and inspires us…but it’s still crushing us and we still don’t really know how it benefits us.

Nobody starts a blog to just do it anymore. Everyone wants to make money from it. Everyone wants to find the quick and easy route to the top. But for a lot of us, we’ve been at it a long time and it’s almost more about luck than anything. I am not at all saying it’s bad to want or make money from social media, afterall, I do, but blogging has become this idealized job that anyone thinks they can do if they have a camera and a computer. It’s not an easy job though. It takes talent and it takes real effort and constant work. It’s a tiring one, that takes away from your real life and the people in your real life.

I am not sure how all of this reading right now? It’s not mean’t to be bitter or misanthropic. I’m more writing this for myself than anything. To just get it out. I love social media, but then I also dislike it. I daydream about disappearing from it some days, but then I also wonder who I would be without it, and that is fucking sad and scary.

Would love to hear all of your thoughts in the comments below. This post is not mean’t to call anyone out or read like I am giving up. I guess I just wanted to start a discussion. To see how we all feel. This space has always been about wanting to connect, so that I don’t feel alone and so you don’t either. To let us all know a lot of our feelings are universal, regardless of all the things that seem to set us apart.

– WHAT I WORE –
Sweater: vintage via CS (similar; found it in blue!) | Jeans: vintage Levi’s (similar) | Boots: Zara via CS (similar)

*photos by Zach

My Favourite Blue Jeans

January 10, 201739 Comments

Blue Jean baby

If you have been reading this blog long enough, you know jeans were a rarity up until last year. It’s strange (but also expected) how time changes your opinion of yourself and then trickles down into the way you decide to dress. I never felt good in jeans, and because of that I really disliked them. To me they were too easy and thus boring. I think working as a clothing buyer and seeing trends and upholding those trends or rejecting them, ends up giving you a whole new perspective on clothing, an appreciation for quality and an open-mind to all sartorial choices. It has certainly changed my style and allowed me to try new things that I would have once scoffed at. All this to say, I have come to love love love jeans, specifically blue jeans. Unfortunately all these jeans are second hand or vintage (which pretty much all my clothes are now thanks to my job), so I am unsure that I can give you direct links, but I’m going to do my best to find something close to each.
OKAY ANDIE | My favourite blue jeans Levi’s 531 mom jeans (similar…i also own this exact pair and love them)

I had been searching for what felt like forever (and by searching I mean waiting until a pair came into my work) for the perfect mom jeans. No mom jean ever looked quite right on me, until I found these ones. I remember doing a little happy dance when I tried them on because it felt like fate that a vintage pair – of Levi’s, no less – would fit me so perfectly. I have worn them all through Summer into Winter, which is sort of the beautiful thing about a good pair of jeans – they are practical for all seasons.
OKAY ANDIE | My favourite blue jeans High-waisted American Apparel skinny jeans (same style although I can’t find the same dark wash)

These too I got secondhand, which I am pretty happy about. I hadn’t walked into an AA in years, so I had no idea what I was missing. I am very picky when it comes to high waisted skinnies, mostly because they accentuating what feels like all the wrong parts of me (thiiiighs), but for whatever reason these jeans make me feel amazing. The indigo colour, the perfect high rise, comfortable and slightly stretchy denim, large back pockets…I don’t think I will ever look for another pair (so please don’t go fully out of business AA).
OKAY ANDIE | My favourite blue jeans Vintage seafarer jeans (similar…and this brand has quite a few similar styles) (similar)

Ya’ll know about my high waisted, wide leg love. It was the first type of jeans I shared on this blog. I have another pair similar to these from H&M, but I was getting a bit worried that if they ever bit the dust I wouldn’t be able to find something similar (this seafarer style is surprisingly hard to find). Lo and behold, these beauties…and vintage, to boot.
OKAY ANDIE | My favourite blue jeans Levi’s kick flares (similar)

These jeans were brought into my work by a middle aged biker. He said he had loved them, but they no longer fit. He had unstitched the pant hems that give them that worn, frayed look that new jeans are trying to replicate these days and unstitched the Levi’s leather tag off the back. I prayed (metaphorically) they would fit me, and fit me they did (you can’t help but feel that much more lucky when a one-off fits). They are a stiff denim, which makes them not the greatest jeans for moving about, but they have that perfect chilled look that keeps me pulling them from my closet time and again.

Mr. Summer

June 21, 20165 Comments

GLAD YOU STOPPED BY

It’s hard to believe the first day of Summer was just yesterday. I always feel like this season has come and gone, seemingly, in the blink of an eye. I’ve already gotten up to many outdoor adventures, which is kind of how I measure whether Summer was a good one or not, so it was surprising to realize I still have a few months left and already I have done so much. But comparatively, this Summer doesn’t have much to compete with when it comes to last Summer. Last Summer did feel like it went by in the blink of an eye. Gus’ back surgery pretty much kept me from doing anything or going anywhere, and I remember feeling pretty bummed, not only because my poor little Gus was having a rough go, but also because I really look forward to being able to get outside and go places, and I did very little of that. But that was then, and this is now. Times change. Things get worse before they can get better, and damn did they get better. Summer has just begun!

What are you looking forward to this Summer (that’s if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere)? Let me know in the comments below!

Photo Diary: Barrie, Ontario

May 21, 2015Leave a comment

Last Saturday afternoon Ryan and I headed to Barrie to spend the long weekend at his dad’s place. While Barrie may not be the most exciting place in the world, their neighbourhood has a definite cottage vibe to it, making it the perfect escape from the city that is within reasonable distance from Toronto. These photos are from Sunday, which was our only full day there, and the only day we really got up to anything exciting outside of the house/neighbourhood. In the afternoon Ryan drove us around Oro-Medonte, showing me the house his dad used to live in, and the quaint lake side town it is in, which honestly, would be an idyllic place to live. After that we hung out at a small beach for a bit while we waited for Greg (Ryan’s dad) to meet us so we could take a ride on his boat. It had been ages since I had been on a boat so it was really nice, although, a bit cold. It was Gus’ first time on a boat however, so I think when the wind was whipping him in his little face he was a bit confused. He is such an easy going dog though, and he pretty much never gets freaked out byt anything, so he was the perfect little passenger. All in all, it was a weekend with just the right amount of fun and relaxation, and I came back to Toronto in good spirits, although a bit stressed because I neglected checking my emails or really doing anything on the internet, which always means a pile up when you come back to it. But c’est la vie, it’s okay to give yourself a break once in awhile and just ride on a boat.