Health, Vitality and Clothes

OKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesIT’S BEEN AWHILE, HASN’T IT?

I wish I could come up with some good reason why I haven’t updated this space in 2 months. It’s probably a combination of not feeling like writing unless it’s in the moment (which ends up on my insta), being a bit bored of blogging and going through a pretty rough bout of depression. Since going through my last depression, I’m trying to make a real effort to become aware of the signs while I’m well, and looking for ways to cope more appropriately (is there an appropriate way to cope?) so that if and when it comes back, I may not lose myself so badly. I didn’t realize how bad it really was until I came out of it. I’m a high functioning depressive, in that I’m still able to get out of bed, work, live, but my personal life and self-care always goes to shit. I wrote this on my insta, and I feel like it sums up alot of what I went through and how I processed my experience after:

“From what I can estimate, for the last month (edit: since writing this and having more time to recall, I was experiencing depression far longer than this) I had the veil of depression cloaked over me. Looking back now it’s so easy to see how delusional I was. During it, however, the delusion was my reality. I think I lost 5-10lbs from eating a disturbingly small amount. I spent whole days in bed counting the hours till I could go back to sleep. I became paranoid and anxious. I pushed people away. I started to believe everything was falling apart because my mind was falling apart. My brain felt like it was slowly killing me, and in a way, it was. Delusion is the hardest part to overcome when going through a depressive episode. No matter how many times a healthy minded person tells you you are loved and should feel hopeful, your sick brain tells you they don’t know anything. I am grateful to be on the other side right now, but that gratefulness only exists because of how sick I was. It’s a double edged sword. Andrew Solomon once said, “the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality”, and nothing has felt more accurate to me. Happiness doesn’t make you prosper, will does. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” and depression sucks that will, that vitality, into oblivion so there is no way. I have spent the last 15 years battling depression. That number, I imagine, would have you believe I have any idea what I’m doing, that I should be an expert at this point. But each time I fall into a depressive episode I feel like a child trying to figure out my new experience. The one thing that my struggle has consistently reminded me is that I need to speak about it. I need for others to know they are not alone. That maybe they can see themselves in my words. The truth is, knowing you are unique but not entirely unique in emotional experience can be of great comfort. There is no one else like you. No one else has your experience. But, experience can be shared. It can open doors so that we may see ourselves in someone else. So that while we may be trapped inside our respective bodies and minds, there is a connection that spans us all, because seeing others is seeing yourself.”

So there it is, slowly but surely trying to work myself back to health and vitality.

One thing that never wavered was my love for clothes and styling, obviously. My favourite season is here now and it’s helping me to feel more like myself. Blazers have taken over my wardrobe in a big way. I’ve brought 5 new-to me ones into my life over the last month (over-kill much?). As cliché as it sounds, they give me a sense of strength, which has been helpful while not actually feeling that way. Outfits like this are kind of my go-to when I’m unsure of what to wear or how I’m feeling about myself. I always know I will feel good in a pair of high waisted mom jeans, button down blouse and simple yet interesting (I wish I had a better word) accessories.

What are those clothes for you?


WHAT I WORE

Blazer: H&M (similar) | Vintage silk blouse: CS | Jeans: vintage Levi’s 512 | vintage purse: CS | vintage boots | Necklaces c/o Chupi and TKO | Earrings c/o TKO

OKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and Clothes

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Is It Crushing Us All?

OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?Or is it just me?

Hi guys!!! Long time no talk or post or whatever. I am still alive and well. I feel slightly out of practise with this blog…like what do I even write about anymore? That’s probably the reason I haven’t been posting as much…I just don’t have much to say, and if I do, I post it in real time on Instagram. Are blogs dying? What do you guys think? Do we like YouTube more? Is Instagram just more accessible and the speed at which we take in information? Are we just too busy to sit down and read, or really write something? How can I be a blogger when I don’t even take the time to read blogs anymore? These are questions I wonder…stupid questions, really, because in the grand scheme of the world, they don’t even matter. But, in the grand scheme of my life, I am deeply a part of this world. I am supposed to care about what is new or what social medium is the best. I am supposed to be battling my way to the top, to have the most followers and the most success. And honestly, I do care and I do battle, but then I also dislike myself for caring too much and battling too much. Social media seems like it is crushing us all, and we all feel it, but we don’t really try wriggle our way out, and we struggle to see how it truly benefits our lives, but we also love it because it validates a lot of us and it gives us purpose and it influences us and inspires us…but it’s still crushing us and we still don’t really know how it benefits us.

Nobody starts a blog to just do it anymore. Everyone wants to make money from it. Everyone wants to find the quick and easy route to the top. But for a lot of us, we’ve been at it a long time and it’s almost more about luck than anything. I am not at all saying it’s bad to want or make money from social media, afterall, I do, but blogging has become this idealized job that anyone thinks they can do if they have a camera and a computer. It’s not an easy job though. It takes talent and it takes real effort and constant work. It’s a tiring one, that takes away from your real life and the people in your real life.

I am not sure how all of this reading right now? It’s not mean’t to be bitter or misanthropic. I’m more writing this for myself than anything. To just get it out. I love social media, but then I also dislike it. I daydream about disappearing from it some days, but then I also wonder who I would be without it, and that is fucking sad and scary.

Would love to hear all of your thoughts in the comments below. This post is not mean’t to call anyone out or read like I am giving up. I guess I just wanted to start a discussion. To see how we all feel. This space has always been about wanting to connect, so that I don’t feel alone and so you don’t either. To let us all know a lot of our feelings are universal, regardless of all the things that seem to set us apart.

– WHAT I WORE –
Sweater: vintage via CS (similar; found it in blue!) | Jeans: vintage Levi’s (similar) | Boots: Zara via CS (similar)OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?OKAY ANDIE | Is It Crushing Us All?

*photos by Zach