Health, Vitality and Clothes

OKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesIT’S BEEN AWHILE, HASN’T IT?

I wish I could come up with some good reason why I haven’t updated this space in 2 months. It’s probably a combination of not feeling like writing unless it’s in the moment (which ends up on my insta), being a bit bored of blogging and going through a pretty rough bout of depression. Since going through my last depression, I’m trying to make a real effort to become aware of the signs while I’m well, and looking for ways to cope more appropriately (is there an appropriate way to cope?) so that if and when it comes back, I may not lose myself so badly. I didn’t realize how bad it really was until I came out of it. I’m a high functioning depressive, in that I’m still able to get out of bed, work, live, but my personal life and self-care always goes to shit. I wrote this on my insta, and I feel like it sums up alot of what I went through and how I processed my experience after:

“From what I can estimate, for the last month (edit: since writing this and having more time to recall, I was experiencing depression far longer than this) I had the veil of depression cloaked over me. Looking back now it’s so easy to see how delusional I was. During it, however, the delusion was my reality. I think I lost 5-10lbs from eating a disturbingly small amount. I spent whole days in bed counting the hours till I could go back to sleep. I became paranoid and anxious. I pushed people away. I started to believe everything was falling apart because my mind was falling apart. My brain felt like it was slowly killing me, and in a way, it was. Delusion is the hardest part to overcome when going through a depressive episode. No matter how many times a healthy minded person tells you you are loved and should feel hopeful, your sick brain tells you they don’t know anything. I am grateful to be on the other side right now, but that gratefulness only exists because of how sick I was. It’s a double edged sword. Andrew Solomon once said, “the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality”, and nothing has felt more accurate to me. Happiness doesn’t make you prosper, will does. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” and depression sucks that will, that vitality, into oblivion so there is no way. I have spent the last 15 years battling depression. That number, I imagine, would have you believe I have any idea what I’m doing, that I should be an expert at this point. But each time I fall into a depressive episode I feel like a child trying to figure out my new experience. The one thing that my struggle has consistently reminded me is that I need to speak about it. I need for others to know they are not alone. That maybe they can see themselves in my words. The truth is, knowing you are unique but not entirely unique in emotional experience can be of great comfort. There is no one else like you. No one else has your experience. But, experience can be shared. It can open doors so that we may see ourselves in someone else. So that while we may be trapped inside our respective bodies and minds, there is a connection that spans us all, because seeing others is seeing yourself.”

So there it is, slowly but surely trying to work myself back to health and vitality.

One thing that never wavered was my love for clothes and styling, obviously. My favourite season is here now and it’s helping me to feel more like myself. Blazers have taken over my wardrobe in a big way. I’ve brought 5 new-to me ones into my life over the last month (over-kill much?). As cliché as it sounds, they give me a sense of strength, which has been helpful while not actually feeling that way. Outfits like this are kind of my go-to when I’m unsure of what to wear or how I’m feeling about myself. I always know I will feel good in a pair of high waisted mom jeans, button down blouse and simple yet interesting (I wish I had a better word) accessories.

What are those clothes for you?


WHAT I WORE

Blazer: H&M (similar) | Vintage silk blouse: CS | Jeans: vintage Levi’s 512 | vintage purse: CS | vintage boots | Necklaces c/o Chupi and TKO | Earrings c/o TKO

OKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and ClothesOKAY ANDIE | Health, Vitality and Clothes

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Body & Mind

OKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & MindI’m going to put this out there…

I’ve been struggling with my body a lot lately. I’ve been far less active in the last year or so than I have ever been in my life, and I am slowly watching my body change. In a way I imagine only I really notice, but at the end of the day how we feel about ourselves is all that matters. Being a dancer for all of my life, dancing at least 3-4 times a week, sometimes up to everyday of the week, I never had to think about working out or staying fit; the thing I was most passionate about was already keeping my body toned and healthy. But I haven’t been dancing that much recently. To be honest, not at all until about a month ago. It all makes sense…continue to eat the way you always do, which is to say, eating whatever I want, and then not being physically active at all…it’s obvious your body will start to change. My thighs have grown, along with my butt, my abs aren’t as defined anymore, my arms don’t look as toned…I just look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. So, okay, I’ve spent a “good” amount of time feeling bad about it, but feeling bad isn’t going to change anything. My goal is to get active again. Awhile ago I tried going to the gym and surprisingly I really enjoyed it, like really really enjoyed it. But then winter rolled around, the gym isn’t all that close to my home, I got lazy and stopped going. But something in me is pushing me to start again, to do more things that will not only make me recognize myself again, but to also help with my anxiety. Physical activity has always helped me feel better when I feel absolutely shaken (literally) by anxiety. Realistically I think I could get to the gym 3-4 times a week. My work now allows for me to make my own schedule, so starting my day with the gym is totally reasonable and honestly seems like a lovely way to start my day. That combined with biking, I think I could get back to a place where I feel physically and mentally stronger.

So there it is, out there in the world. I’m hoping by putting this in writing I will make an honest change, and maybe help you to feel more positive about things, whatever that thing may be. Goodness knows I can be a negative nancy, and while that’s something about me I don’t necessarily hate (i think it keeps me in check), I feel like giving myself a little bit of hope and self-care could go a long way.

-WHAT I WORE-
Denim jacket: vintage Wrangler (similar) | Overalls: vintage Guess (similar) | Shirt: Banana Republic (similar) | Shoes: Dr. Martens | Purse: CS | Belt: vintage
OKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & MindOKAY ANDIE | Body & Mind

Handy(wo)man

OKAY ANDIE | Handy(wo)manOKAY ANDIE | Handy(wo)manLET’S TALK STYLE

Most of my inspiration for dressing comes from the internet. That’s probably why I love blogging and sharing on instagram so much; putting my ideas out there and viewing other peoples ideas and constantly having a cycle of inspiration to draw from. And then every once in awhile I get inspiration from a totally random place, that seemingly appeared from nowhere. Continue reading

Being Kind To Yourself

OKAY ANDIE | Being Kind To Yourselfhow the hell do we do that?

I shot these awhile back, and until recently, I wasn’t really sure why I hadn’t gotten around to sharing them. Aside from me not totally loving all the images I took, I also found myself being hyper-critical about my appearance…which seems to be my way lately. I have come to learn I am so mean to myself. I never find myself thinking horrible things about the people around me, but for whatever reason, when it comes to me, I am downright nasty. I am certain I am not the only person who does this to themselves.

Continue reading

A Year In The Life

OKAY ANDIE | A Year In The LifeHappy New Year M’Loves

I’m not really one for New Year’s resolutions, so you won’t be getting any lists like that here. But when a new year comes, how ever man made it is, you can’t really help but feel like it’s a fresh start, a marker of sorts, for acknowledging the past and looking to the future. This year for me has certainly been up and down, as all years are for everyone, really. I went through depression that felt like it would be the end of me. I had days of complete elation where I felt incredibly lucky to be alive. I learned from a dear friend that to be in a lasting relationship you must choose that person everyday and that sometimes is easy to forget. I met some of the most kind and beautiful people on this planet. I’ve learned new skills that I am proud to have and that I am much too hard on myself. I’ve had moments of feeling like the luckiest person in the world, surrounded by love and moments of hating myself so deeply I wasn’t sure if anyone in this world genuinely liked me. I’ve talked about my feelings and bottled them up. I’ve laid in bed all day watching netflix and got painfully sunburnt swimming in the warm and salty sea. I’ve yelled until it hurt. I’ve laughed until it hurt. I’ve lived the only way I know how. As I do, everyday, of every year.

There are big markers, good and bad, for every year. But years are also made up of small moments and details that weave in and out of the big ones that make up most of our lives. They say you can’t see the forest for the trees, but sometimes acknowledging those trees can help to see the forest for what it is. We are mean’t to do things with our life, but just existing and living is doing something too. It’s okay not to be the best or the worst and it’s okay to have no real plan at all. There is a system and societal structure to this life that can make us feel inadequate and exhausted, but realizing that a slow pace is still a pace, afterall, can be a relief like no other.

As always, thank you guys for being here. I didn’t post near as much as I did in previous years. I’ve written and deleted countless posts for the reason why, but in the end, it probably needs no explanation. I am here now, and that’s all that matters.

I love you all and you enrich my life by just stopping by here. I hope my words and images do the same for you.

-WHAT I WORE-
pant suit: Zara via CS | Blouse: Anne Klein via CS | Jacket: Topshop | Socks c/o Tabbisocks | Shoes: Seychelles
OKAY ANDIE | A Year In The LifeOKAY ANDIE | A Year In The Life

photos by Zach