Let’s Talk About It

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I’m going to be pretty honest with you guys and talk about how I’ve been struggling with my body and appearance for awhile now. I bring this up because while I wanted to write about how much I love this gingham set from Mod Dolly, and how lovely I felt while wearing it and biking around on this day…as I look at these images, I feel frustrated with my body and initially didn’t want to share these beautiful images Zach took.

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For the better portion of my life I’ve been happy with my weight and physical appearance. To be honest, I’ve been well lucky in my life to never struggle with weight gain or feeling like I was “fat” or hating the body I have. That’s not to say I didn’t have what I feel is normal insecurities as a teen (although, it really shouldn’t be or feel normal) – wishing my breasts were bigger or that I had an hourglass figure…basically just being more physically attractive to the opposite sex (boo!!!), but I never felt like I wanted thinner legs or a flatter stomach or smaller arms…until recently…those thoughts come up a lot now.

Being a dancer from a very young age I’ve spent most of my life, near daily, doing an incredible physical workout that felt like no workout at all. I never even had to think about that stuff because the thing I loved most in the world was also keeping my body fit (well that, and genes). However, more recently I haven’t been dancing as much – there just hasn’t felt like time and through that, from what I can gather, I have gained a little weight. It’s hard for me to know if what I see in the mirror is what others see, or if my mind is seeing and telling me falsities. The thing is, for most of my life I have prided myself on never worrying about calories or weight gain or issues of appearance – somehow seemingly ignored all societal pressures in that respect – and now suddenly I feel like a girl I never wanted to be…suddenly I feel like the girls I felt sorry for (that’s well pretentious, but I’m trying to be honest). I’m doing my best to be healthy about the way I am dealing with these feelings – I’ve been trying to eat healthier, drink a ton of water, bike everywhere and do pilates every other day, which honestly, has been making me feel really great. However, it feels embarrassing to talk about this or admit this, because I know there are girls out there who wished they looked like me, just like there are girls out there that I wished I looked like. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Wishing we all looked like someone else, or lived the way someone else does, or have what someone else has. I don’t know how to rid ourselves of those behaviours or thoughts. I have no answers for that…there isn’t a workout for those thoughts, now is there?. But I do want you guys to know that however my life or anyones life looks to you, everyone has their shit. No one feels all that together or happy with themselves. For me, it has always felt comforting knowing I am not alone. So I speak about this for you, but also for me. Our world feels so perfectly curated now that when people are just acting like actual humans who are okay with their flaws we think they are pioneers…and that’s sad to me, but it’s also something I absolutely want to be a part of. I’ve obviously got my insecurities, but I want to actively talk about those things because those are things that we can share in. We can’t all share in a perfect home, or landscape, or hair, or wardrobe, but we can share in being humans with feelings, those are inclusive, and those are things that need more air time.

-WHAT I WORE-
Top & shorts set c/o Mod Dolly | Shoes: Dr. Martens | Hat: vintage via Common Sort | Choker: handmade
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*photos by Zach

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9 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About It

  1. lanasultana says:

    This really resonated with me, and I can totally see what you’re saying. I’ve personally been struggling recently at the realisation that my 20 year old body is a completely different shape to what my 17 year old body was. Thank-you so much for sharing your thoughts.

    You look absolutely lovely in that outfit ❤️

    Like

  2. moxandsocks says:

    Thank you so much for opening up and taking about this. For what it’s worth, I’ve always thought you were astoundingly beautiful, and that hasn’t changed.

    On a personal note, it wasn’t until very recently that I started to feel good about–not just “accept” (which is a term I hate)–my body. For me it’s been 26 years of looking about the same and just now really liking how I look. I don’t know if it helps, but my new mentality has just been to treat my body well and go with it. It sounds like you’re well on your way to that.

    Also, I would be lying if I said I never ever felt envious of other people and their appearance, style, money, talents, etc. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get over those insecurities. But you’re right, everyone has their shit.

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  3. Fern says:

    I’m going through a sort of similar thing at the moment. I’ve recently had a little boy (8 weeks ago right now I was just going into labour!) and I’m feeling really insecure about my body. So much has changed. When I was pregnant I wore dresses to show off my figure as I loved what my body was doing and the perfect little bump that was forming, but now I’ve been left with a changed body. Luckily, I only went up one dress size to a UK 12, but my stomach is still wobbly and my boobs are bigger meaning I can’t and don’t know if I ever will get back into the lovely clothes I used to wear. I’m only 26 and feeling a little lost with how to dress as not only my body shape has slightly shifted, but I also feel I should dress more like a “grown up”, without crossing that fine line into dreaded mumsy territory!

    I’m trying to remember that our (especially us as women) bodies are absolutely incredible and capable of withstanding all sorts of madness life throws at it, but it’s bloody hard going sometimes!

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  4. Laura Boggs says:

    You look gorgeous the way you are and are an inspiration to so many. You’re right–lots of folks would really like to look like you! But we all have our issues, don’t we? I’m 45 and struggle with: not being the skinny-mini I’ve been almost my entire life and not feeling like I can quite pull of the quirky, youthful clothes I enjoy. But when I’m 55 I’ll likely say HOT DAMN I SHOULD’VE BEEN GRATEFUL. The truth is, no one cares about every detail of our appearance (including our weight) as much as we do. In reality, what people see when they look at your photos is stunning red hair, a beautiful face and amazing style and poise — and a lovely figure.

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