I’m going to be pretty honest with you guys and talk about how I’ve been struggling with my body and appearance for awhile now. I bring this up because while I wanted to write about how much I love this gingham set from Mod Dolly, and how lovely I felt while wearing it and biking around on this day…as I look at these images, I feel frustrated with my body and initially didn’t want to share these beautiful images Zach took.
For the better portion of my life I’ve been happy with my weight and physical appearance. To be honest, I’ve been well lucky in my life to never struggle with weight gain or feeling like I was “fat” or hating the body I have. That’s not to say I didn’t have what I feel is normal insecurities as a teen (although, it really shouldn’t be or feel normal) – wishing my breasts were bigger or that I had an hourglass figure…basically just being more physically attractive to the opposite sex (boo!!!), but I never felt like I wanted thinner legs or a flatter stomach or smaller arms…until recently…those thoughts come up a lot now.
Being a dancer from a very young age I’ve spent most of my life, near daily, doing an incredible physical workout that felt like no workout at all. I never even had to think about that stuff because the thing I loved most in the world was also keeping my body fit (well that, and genes). However, more recently I haven’t been dancing as much – there just hasn’t felt like time and through that, from what I can gather, I have gained a little weight. It’s hard for me to know if what I see in the mirror is what others see, or if my mind is seeing and telling me falsities. The thing is, for most of my life I have prided myself on never worrying about calories or weight gain or issues of appearance – somehow seemingly ignored all societal pressures in that respect – and now suddenly I feel like a girl I never wanted to be…suddenly I feel like the girls I felt sorry for (that’s well pretentious, but I’m trying to be honest). I’m doing my best to be healthy about the way I am dealing with these feelings – I’ve been trying to eat healthier, drink a ton of water, bike everywhere and do pilates every other day, which honestly, has been making me feel really great. However, it feels embarrassing to talk about this or admit this, because I know there are girls out there who wished they looked like me, just like there are girls out there that I wished I looked like. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Wishing we all looked like someone else, or lived the way someone else does, or have what someone else has. I don’t know how to rid ourselves of those behaviours or thoughts. I have no answers for that…there isn’t a workout for those thoughts, now is there?. But I do want you guys to know that however my life or anyones life looks to you, everyone has their shit. No one feels all that together or happy with themselves. For me, it has always felt comforting knowing I am not alone. So I speak about this for you, but also for me. Our world feels so perfectly curated now that when people are just acting like actual humans who are okay with their flaws we think they are pioneers…and that’s sad to me, but it’s also something I absolutely want to be a part of. I’ve obviously got my insecurities, but I want to actively talk about those things because those are things that we can share in. We can’t all share in a perfect home, or landscape, or hair, or wardrobe, but we can share in being humans with feelings, those are inclusive, and those are things that need more air time.
*photos by Zach